The
13th Dating Trap
”She’s so hot!”
“He’s a hunk!”
“Men/Women are only after one thing.”
“Why can’t men/women see past my body/bank account?”
Women commonly dislike being evaluated or pursued by men
solely for their physical attractiveness, and men
commonly dislike being evaluated or pursued by women for
their job or money.
When we don’t know someone, it is natural to focus on
the outside packaging. It is also understandable to be
attracted to something that is very important to us,
such as looks or money.
Deep down we know that potential
partners, like us, want to be viewed as
multi-dimensional beings, not just a body or a wallet.
Yet, in dating, whether straight or gay, young or old,
unconscious singles commonly focus on the one big thing
that attracts them, and then wonder why their
relationships don’t work.
I propose the “PACKAGING TRAP” as the 13th Dating Trap.
In our culture we objectify people by focusing on their
age, gender, race, clothes, hair, weight, job, finances,
and other external characteristics, and make
generalizations about who they are as a person. When
scouting for potential partners, it is common for some
singles to focus on the packaging first, then not see
much else beyond that.
This works both ways- rejecting
some people because of their packaging, and pursuing
others because of their packaging.
Focusing on packaging can interfere even when you don’t
intend to. True personal story- Maggie and I met on
Match.com only after she had the smarts to modify her
search criterion when she wasn’t finding anyone
compatible.
My search missed her because I selected 5’
2” as my minimum height (Maggie is 5’ 1 ½”) and she
selected her age and older (I’m 18 months younger).
Neither of us intended to discriminate based upon such
external packaging characteristics and reject potential
partners younger or shorter! When Maggie modified her
search criterion to include men a few years younger she
found me, and I’m very glad she did.
It is understandable to have preferences and reactions
to external packaging; however, if our goal is an
internal experience, such as to be happy, loved, and
fulfilled in a relationship, we may need to balance our
attraction to the outside packaging by paying more
attention to the person inside.
I recently had a conversation with a single friend who,
after completing our Relationship Success Training for
Singles program (RESTS), has been working with one of
our relationship coaches for several years. He was
frustrated about getting involved in relationships that
appear promising in the beginning then don’t work out.
He and I have had an on-going debate about his weight
requirement- no more than 5 pounds overweight, I could
never figure out how he would measure that!
Body shape
was his first and primary sorting tool, pursuing women
with great bodies (who were usually not attracted to
him) and immediately rejecting women who were not
slender. Still single and nearing retirement age, he was
despairing of finding a partner.
I like him a lot,
wanted to see him happy in a relationship, and really
wanted to help. This time, our conversation focused more
specifically on the Law of Attraction, and how his
weight “requirement” may be interfering with his
success.
Remember, the Law of Attraction can work for you or
against you. If you objectify others by focusing on
their packaging, then you will probably be objectified
in return.
As a man objectifying women by their
appearance my friend might be attracting women who
objectify him by his appearance, job, money, car, or
other external packaging characteristic, and might not
be capable of the kind of relationship he really wants.
In our RESTS program, we specify that Requirements are
almost always behavioral events in the relationship, not
traits of a partner. This has been challenging for many
singles that are used to making a list of what they want
in their ideal partner.
I like to say, “you can make a
list of a hundred traits or qualities, find someone that
meets all of them, and STILL be miserable.”
We help singles refine their list and translate their
requirements from traits of a partner into behavioral
relationship events by asking “What does _____ mean to
you?” and “What must happen in your relationship to be
_____?”
Any personal trait or characteristic can be
transformed into a behavioral relationship event, such
as “Good listener” into “Good communication” or “Deep
listening to each other.” The more specific and
bottom-line- the better. Most requirements go both ways
and involve both partners, such as “good communication”
and“ addiction-free.”
Balance is the key. RCI coach Mike McCartney said “JUST
the outside without the inside won't work. JUST the
inside without the outside won't work for the vast
majority,” and I agree.
It is natural to have some
requirements related to packaging, such as race, height,
age, and even body type or weight, but I prefer to
de-emphasize focusing on packaging that doesn’t have
much to do with a quality relationship, and emphasize
what is required to have the life and relationship you
want.
In practice, very few external characteristics pass the
requirements test- “If you were totally in love and
really wanted this relationship to work, would you break
it off because of _____?”
The 2001 movie “Shallow Hal” has a great example of
this. Jack Black as Hal, a single guy obsessed with
external packaging, was hypnotized to see only the
person inside and pursued Gwyneth Paltrow’s illusionary
slim character. Then, when the hypnotic spell broke and
he saw her actual obesity, he decided that her weight
didn’t interfere with his love and desire for her.
My friend held steadfastly to his weight requirement,
fearing that if he let go of it, he would end up with
someone he was not physically attracted to.
I tried to
reassure him that with the Law of Attraction “like
attracts like,” and if he let go of focusing on weight
he might be opening the door for his soul mate- a
wonderful woman who is attracted to him, to whom he too
will be attracted.
At the end of the evening, my friend still seemed
skeptical, but he said I gave him a lot to think about.
I hope he can let go and give the Law of Attraction a
chance to work for him- at this point he has nothing to
lose!
The 13th Dating Trap (to be added to the current “12
Dating Traps”):
PACKAGING TRAP: Focusing on outside packaging, such as
someone’s body, looks, job, wealth, material
possessions, etc, overlooking the reality of the person
inside.
Opposite of the Marketing Trap; instead of
seeking to sell yourself with attractive packaging, you
focus on the packaging of others.
SOLUTION: Define your requirements for the life and
relationship you really want and seek to balance your
attraction to the packaging by paying attention to the
reality of the person inside.
Copyright 2006 by David Steele
David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship
Coaching Institute and author of the ground-breaking new
book for singles Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of
Your Life in Today's World. Visit
http://www.consciousdating.com
FREE live tele-seminars, recorded audio programs,
podcasts, e-programs and newsletters for singles and
couples packed with cutting-edge relationship
information that will help you have the life and
relationships you really want.
http://www.consciousrelationshipresources.com
