Hilarious Lines From
Online Dating Profiles
If you have put any effort at all
into online dating, I'm sure that you've read plenty
about how to write online profiles, and how NOT to write
them. Knowing the basics about that is a good thing, of
course, and I've written my fair share on the subject.
The truth is that there is a wealth of information our
there, and help is readily available when it comes to
creating terrific, effective online profiles.
Yet, you can somehow
always count on finding plenty of particularly
entertaining material like what follows when browsing
profile narratives.
All of these are lifted from actual
profiles. Enjoy!
I'm a walking, talking dichotomy. I hope you're the
same. After all, opposites attract, right?
"I need a man who can full feel my fantasies."
I distinctly remember an email I wrote to this one
entitled, "Feeling Full". I don't remember a response.
Ha ha.
"The three things I want most in a man are honesty,
sincerity and truthfulness."
Great. The three things I want most in a woman are
repetition, redundancy and duplication.
"I am recently divorced, so I am now
at a stage in my life where I am not looking for one
night stands."
Well, thank goodness, both the marriage and that sort of
behavior have come to an end. I wonder if that's a
coincidence?
"I don't drink beer, but I'll play darts at the bar with
a screwdriver"
Be sure to use a Philips. Those pointy ones seem to
stick to the dartboard better.
"I'll bend over backwards to help
anyone who needs it, but I refuse to be a pushover."
OK, so she doesn't need any help bending over
backwards, get it!
"Attractive, fun, professional woman looking to date the
same."
Hmm. Can't help you there, girlie. I'm a guy.
"I AM A HAPPY AND HONEST PERSON I HATE LAYS AND TO BE
UNLOYAL"
Well, that about covers everything.
"I have my B.S. and J.D. I mostly use the B.S. part to
do my J.D. job."
Anyone who is divorced can appreciate that one. Thanks
for being honest.
"A man who does not mind the simple and loving jesters I
may send his way."
Nah, I'm good. I'm pretty well stocked up on freaks with
funky suits and bells on their hats.
"I hate complainers."
Why? We LOVE you.
"I am an independent woman and don't need a man to
support me, although the ability to do so would be
nice."
At least the truth came out early. LOL
"I'm looking for someone with as many things in common
as me."
And I thought Yogi Berra was married. The more times I
read this, the more I laughed.
"If you are looking for a true blue type I may be your
match."
This woman's first pic was of her posing with a Blue Man
Group guy in Vegas-so I guess she wasn't kidding.
"I'm a hot box, so this cuddle thing all night is out of
the question unless it's the dead middle of winter."
I'm willing to bet that this woman had NO IDEA why she
was getting the kind of responses she must have
received.
"DON'T REPLY BACK IF YOU HAVE PROBLEM WITH DRUGS,
ALCOHOL OR IF YOU ARE A FREAK."
OK, I ask you, have you ever met a self-proclaimed
freak?
"I used to be a great liar... I can smell one a mile
away."
Well it's good to know that though you used to be a
great liar, the skill set it still finely tuned...just
in case.
"Im etremly drawn to someone w/ a high level of
intelegents."
It's just painful to read this. (See also: "I'm looking
for an intelligant man")
"By the way guys....there are NOT two 'll's in
'traveling'!"
OK, rule number one: If you are going to obnoxiously
correct people who you haven't even met yet, at least
have your facts together. See www.dictionary.com for
elaboration.
"I love the roll of being a mom."
How about a little roll playing?
"LOVE WHITE MEN AND LOVE TO PLAY GAMES"
Surely, she means "Scrabble" or "Monopoly". Otherwise,
this is a first.
"I hate judgemental people!"
There have to be self-esteem issues here.
"Just throwing out casts..."
And what did your orthopedic surgeon have to say about
that?
"This is where I'm suppose to make myself sound
interesting so bare with me."
So far, so good.
"I spend a lot of time sending polite emails, turning
people down. Most of them appreciate that I did that."
On second thought, never mind. LOL
"Are you looking for a fun loving, beautiful woman with
her act together? Well, good luck!"
What made this funny was that it was the very last two
lines of her profile.
"Strong indepented woman not afraid to admit she needs
some one to LOVE her."
That pent-up independence is demented stuff, isn't it?
"About him? He will hear my call a mile away. He will
whistle my favorite song. He can ride a pony backwards.
He can flip pancakes in the air. He'll be marvelously
kind. His favorite shape will be a star. And he'll
have one green eye and one blue."
You know, it seems that all the guys with one green eye,
and one blue eye, whose favorite shape is a star and who
can ride ponies backwards, are always either married or
gay, doesn't it!
Ironically, I do actually know a guy with one green eye
and one blue eye. But last I checked, he didn't have
riding ponies backwards down yet. Besides, he's married
(of course)
by Scot McKay
Want to hear more? Scot McKay is the founder of X & Y
Communications, a one-stop-shop for dating and
relationship resources.
He is the author of the books "Deserve What You Want"
and "Cook For Your Date", and hosts the popular podcast
series "X & Y On The Fly"
with his fiancée Emily Grillo.
He may be reached at
scot@xandycommunications.net or on the Web at
http://www.dating-advice.us/and
http://www.romantic-dinner.com
Stop by for a FREE GIFT and to subscribe to
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