How to
Choose Your Ideal Partner
It's interesting that people will spend a lot of thought
and time on choosing a significant purchase, say a car
or a house, but not give the same kind of thought when
it comes to choosing a life partner.
Sure they think
about it at length and maybe have a dream that they will
meet a perfect replica of George Clooney, Michelle
Pfeiffer, or whatever is their taste. That aside, it is
surprising how many people can't clearly define what
they are looking for.
Maybe they feel that they will know it when they find
it. A guy I know was in the tie section of a major
store, when an assistant asked him what kind of tie he
was looking for! So there are some times when it really
is a case of 'I'll know it when I see it.'
So instead of just waiting and hoping, what about making
a list of what is important to you, and how important it
is? Yes this will sound a bit pedantic and clinical, but
it is the only sound way to get a clear idea. And you
could find you are in for a surprise or two along the
way, with things you never really considered before you
sat down to do this exercise.
Let's take as an example, choosing a house / flat /
apartment etc. The method goes like this: firstly you
take some time to list all the features you would like.
For example: two bedrooms, facing South, adequate
parking, cost less than £X, freehold or long lease, no
neighbour problems, available within two months....we
could go on and on.
And that is the point, do list
absolutely everything that is important to you. If it's
not important, don't include it. The second and really
important stage is to decide how important each thing is
to you. Some would be deal-breakers (meaning if this
isn't right, you'll walk away and look elsewhere). This
feature, whatever it is, is a must-have.
My dad for
example, always said never buy anywhere that might
flood. Yeah yeah, we thought, fine...but in recent
years, sudden freak weather has rather proved he had a
point. But the key thing is to decide on your
deal-breakers, whatever they may be.
After listing your deal-breakers - you then need to rank
how important each of the other things is to you. What
other people think is irrelevant. It's what YOU want
that matters. So maybe you give a score out of 5 to each
item, where 5 is top importance and 1 is still
important, but low priority.
You can see how this will
help you make an impartial decision when it comes to
properties that you look at, because you have already
decided on the factors that matter. You then just score
each property according on each factor, and add up your
totals.
This may sound rather unromantic and clinical, but you
can apply this system to help understand what you are
looking for in your prospective partner. Which in turn,
may help you work out where is the best place to find
that person. And how to write a profile for online
dating sites that helps other members to decide if they
fit or don't. Saving their time and yours. After all,
this article is addressed to people who are looking for
that 'life partner' and what could be more important
than that?
Let's take a look at what you might want to put on your
list. Keep in mind this is your list and my examples may
be quite wrong for you, or may miss out things that are
really important to you.
Think first about 'core
values'. The things that are fundamental about the
person you're looking for. Because they really matter to
you. For instance, religious belief (or lack of), views
on fidelity, how sociable or private they are, career-
minded or not, active and sporty or not. ...and so on.
What we are getting at here, is what are your
'essentials' in terms of how your prospective partner
lives their life and what is important to them. A friend
of mine for example, feels strongly about environmental
issues, and really couldn't be with someone unless they
share that view. Someone else might be very active and
sociable, wanting to be out a lot of the time. Or the
opposite, enjoying quiet evenings at home. You get the
picture.
Some other things may be to do with shared interests and
hobbies. Or whether they like the same kind of films,
books, TV programmes, music, how they spend their spare
time and so on.
Others may be more of a personal
preference, such as hair colour, height, build and the
like. You are writing the list and you should make it as
complete as you can. Otherwise you run the risk of
taking decisions just on the basis of one or two things.
Yes it might be great that the other person is also a
big fan of Cold Play (if you are, too) but what about
all their other characteristics and preferences?
So let's say you've done your long list of desirable and
essential things in your next partner and you have put
it in order of importance. Now you need to take another
look at the finished product and check you are not being
so selective that almost nobody will fit.
There is
likely to be some room for compromise, so be realistic.
If you are an overweight 45 year old guy, is it likely
that a trim athletic blond of 32 will be interested in
you? Great if it happens, but kind of unlikely.
This
exercise will really help you decide what you are
looking for and how important some of the criteria are
to you. It can help you know up front what you have to
avoid because you know it will only lead to regrets
later. But it can also be a help in getting you to
remove or adjust some of the items on your 'wish list'
that are limiting your choices too much.
by Robin Nicholson
By Robin Nicholson, a life coach, counsellor and writer.
After a successful career in business, Robin re-trained
and for the past ten years has been working as a coach
and counsellor, helping clients work through important
issues in their lives. He is the writer and publisher of
the website
http://www.idealpartneronline.co.uk/where you can
find a number of other free articles and links to top
dating websites.
